In this video we discuss the challenges couples have in making downsizing decisions.
As a downsizing coach, I have been asked by countless people, “How do I convince my spouse to downsize?” Most of the time it’s the women who want to move and the men who want to stay put, but there are exceptions to the rule of course.
Naturally, no one can force their spouse to move if he or she is committed to staying put. It usually requires a bit of negotiation, compromise, time, and more times than not, a major health event to finally get the go-ahead.
Gender differences
Women are tired of housework. Let’s face it, women never really get to retire. In a home where household duties are split between indoors and outdoors, what we often see is the outdoor chores getting outsourced to lawn guys, pool crews, tree trimming companies, and handymen.
The indoor duties, however, like cooking, making beds, doing laundry, etc., usually continue to be the domain of females. Husbands may wonder why their wives think it’s such a big deal to maintain a big house. This is because most of their chores now involve simply writing a check. The woman of the house, however, may have given up mopping, dusting, and vacuuming (maybe) but are likely still making 2 or 3 meals a day, doing the grocery shopping, making beds, doing laundry, and so on.
Women view money differently. Another issue men seem to struggle with more than women is spending the money necessary to live in a full service retirement community setting. Women are more willing to use their savings to downsize. Men, on the other hand, like having that money in the bank – even if it’s more than they will ever spend in their lifetime.
Peace of mind. Maybe it’s because women have historically outlived men, but as couples get older, it’s the women who feel the most angst about being left alone to deal with a house and the stuff in it should their spouse pre-decease them. The idea of making such a significant life change without their spouse is overwhelming and, frankly, a bit scary for many widows. Even moreso, however, is the idea of being left to manage a house and estate on their own.
Non-gender specific issues
Caregiving responsibilities. If one partner has taken on the bulk of the household duties and caregiving responsibilities, they are likely exhausted. Nonetheless, they’re doing their best to hold it together. The idea of a simpler life, however, where meals and housekeeping is provided and maintenance is minimal can be very appealing under the circumstances.
It’s often the spouse who requires caregiving support that doesn’t see downsizing favorably. Maybe they are drawn to the familiarity that is “home” or they simply don’t know if they have the energy to make a move. Meanwhile, their spouse is deteriorating and finding it harder each day to manage. When cognitive impairments are in the mix, things can get even more challenging for caregivers.
Desire for connectedness. In most relationships, one spouse tends to be more social than the other. One may be more of a “homebody” and be perfectly satisfied with staying in and reading a good book. The social spouse craves connectedness and conversation, while the homebody sees little problem with quiet days spent around the house. It’s usually the more outgoing of the couple who is asking, “How do I get my spouse to move to a retirement community?”
3 Recommendations for Starting the Conversation
There is no easy solution for getting your spouse to agree to downsize. Whether you want a smaller house or hope to relocate to a senior living community or active adult residence, chances are it’s not as simple as saying, “I’m going..with or without you” (as much as you probably want to!).
- Start by communicating honestly and directly.
Share with your husband or wife what’s really happening and be open about your concerns. Don’t sugar coat it. Tell your spouse what you need and why. Listen to their concerns and see if you can find a compromise.
- Begin downsizing on your own.
Sometimes leading by example is a good start. You can begin taking steps toward simplifying – even if making a move isn’t in the cards just yet. Clean out your closet, tidy up those junk drawers, and donate all those books you no longer need or read. Start going to educational seminars on downsizing and see if your spouse might join you over time.
Click here to learn more: seniorlivingtruthseries.com.
- Tap into the support of others. If you really need more help and your spouse is adamant about staying put, start getting outside help from family and friends. Sometimes an outside perspective can be helpful. And if being direct didn’t do it, maybe having others in their space will begin to get their attention.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or have questions about downsizing in Oklahoma City or surrounding areas, call us at 405.708.7010. If you are outside our service area, we can help connect you with great people in your area who are experienced and reputable!
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